My HUGE election is not a Freudian slip.

Not being an opportunist or anything like that, I sat back in my seat for half a second before I jumped up and started gathering my followers in the office.

I don't really know how this works, but I decided to apply for the job. His job. That is Benny 16. I need the votes and since the new Pope job will not be decided on X-factor or Vatican Idols, I thought that maybe I could start a Facebook page and a Twitter campaign to get me elected....

There are a few little minor hurdles I need to cross, but no issues there. 

For one there is the tiny glitch of me being a Protestant, but why not have a Protestant Pope for a change? Change is as good a holiday, which, so by the way, is something I'd like to plan in Brazil the moment I take office. I just need to see when the annual Rio Carnival takes place. Imagine me in my little glass covered Pope-Float waving to all those excited people who came to kiss my ring.... and maybe even those skimpily clad altar girls and choir I will take along to keep things respectable.

I'm also married. However, 39 Popes were married and a horny truckload of them had illegitimate children including the very aptly called Innocent VIII (1484-1492). He was also a revolutionary and practiced open nepotism already in the fourteen hundreds, a practice greedily adopted by modern day politicians.... Apart from that I will apparently also "inherit" 110,000 married Priests from all over the world. Apparently most of them are married to women.

As I, very subtly slipped into this conversation earlier, I will have no more altar boys. This is to repair the slightly tainted reputation of the citizens of the Vatican. I have had a long think about this issue and found that to fix the black dot they have rightly earned with so much under-the-pulpit-shenanigans and denial by those firmly grounded on the moral high ground, I need to move the sinners away from the weakness of the flesh. 

I had this very bright vision and insight into the diminishing numbers at midnight mass and had the revelation that the most chaste of all are female Eastern European or Scandinavian  swimsuit models or female Brazilian Beach Volleyball players between the age of 19 and 26. My first  edict therefore will be to ensure that altar girls and the heavenly choirs will have to be made up of candidates from that category. I've had a few further revelations with regards to the new uniforms, but I'll keep that a secret until such time as I deem fit. This time will probably come IF any other strong contenders for the position may appear on the scene.

Another reason to vote for me is that after recent emails from various generous business men and women as well as some journalists in Iraq and Afghanistan and even the Directors of the CIA and FBI and several of their agents - mostly doing investigations in Nigeria - I have now accumulated a modest $238, 500 000-00 for this election. So if you need a bit of an "incentive" to vote for me, please let me know and I will email you a few million just to get you in the "right state of mind" - if you know what I mean (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).....

I look forward to blowing the white smoke from my first Marlboro as the Commander in Chief of the Vatican through that little chimney before the Easter holidays are upon all of us!!

Groete uit die woestyn en van al die Arabiere.

H of Arabia